#traxxfm I mean, I had been *[] (having) weird thoughts for so long. They are not getting me anywhere. So my attitude is I become an observer of my thoughts rather than a participant.
#traxxfm Maybe I should categorize my ideas as fiction. They are too weird to be taken seriously. At the same time, I know I am not crazy. I simply transcribe whatever that passes through me.
#traxxfm So you accept the idea that these are all the essence of God and I am on the right path? Silly, me... It's me who told you that genius and doubt don't co-exist. Thanks for making me certain again, my darling wife. I love you so much.
#traxxfm You accept that the Infinite Intelligence and we are ONE? That it's going to be VIVA 2041 where the Outerspace will be filled with my essence, oxygen. Instead of KABOOM 2041 where we will go through Constructive Destruction?
#traxxfm You are indeed my wife in here and the hereafter. You believe in me when I have doubts about myself. There are 2 dates we need to observe; 24/12/24 and 7/4/41. These are my moments of truth. OK we wait. Man proposes God disposes.
#traxxfm This has not been an easy life for me. I don't know what to expect. Should I trust my thoughts or discard them as me being crazy? Heck, I had been very systematic with my thoughts. It cannot be that I am crazy. I am not a reckless thinker.
#traxxfm Having said all this, I say there are two possibilities; if there is no God, then all these are nothing more than mental delusions. If there is God, I think He is a fair being. He will not create all these thoughts in vain.
#traxxfm I like to assert that I am a Believer. I believe in God, Life After Death, and Judgment of Heaven. If I'm wrong, then when I die that is the end of it. If I'm right, I am a very lucky guy indeed. I chose to believe because I have a believing mind.
#traxxfm So by the balance of probability, I decided to be a Believer and accept that these are the cards that had been handed to me. I have to deal with the cards at hand. This is the life that is meant for me. It is my life warts and all.
#traxxfm As you can see, this is not an easy path to take. It is full of Fear, Doubt, and Uncertainty (FUD). I do seriously hope there is a God and I don't suffer for nothing. Well, it's not that bad really. I simply cannot conform to the social norms.
#traxxfm Otherwise, it's a good life. If I choose to be in isolation, I can think about anything that I like. Nobody bothers me. It is when I look at my social life that I feel sad. Am I really experiencing mental illness or is it a spiritual awakening?
#traxxfm OK baby, I carry through on this trajectory. I need to do the mubahala on 24/12/24 and the 21 km Bukit Kiara Hill Run on 25/12/24. Then I am off the hook. Boy, do I regret making the pledge to be the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier in 1998.
#traxxfm Where are all this heading? I had been running for TWENTY-ONE year, my dear wife. Do you know the marathon is actually two races in one? 36 km + the last 6 km. I am in the second race now. Boy, my steps are heavy...
#traxxfm Since the EMCO beginning July, I had not been exercising. That is already 3 weeks. I sleep in the wee hours, I eat junk and I had been depressed. The suicidal thoughts creep in again. How I wish I didn't take the red pill... https://youtube.com/watch?v=zE7PKRjrid4… Bummer.
#traxxfm The mind is an end-all and be-all tool for us to retain our consciousness. My challenge now is not physical. It is mental and emotional. I need to be certain. Certainty comes with Unconditional Love and Secure Attachment.
#traxxfm Hey, Els... This is a long run. It is not a smooth progression. It's like a flight of stairs with multiple landings. Baby, stay with me... I need you as my pillar of strength.
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